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On the Lighter Side

You know you're an Afghan when...

  • You have a fake name or fake birthday
  • You consider twirling your hands in the air while walking in a circle dancing 
  • You know ALL Afghan's that live within 1000 miles of you, your parents may possibly know just about every Afghan in the world
  • You have more then three containers of sour cream/yogurt in your fridge
  • You drink chai no matter how hot it is outside
  • No matter where you travel, you know you never have to pay for a hotel
  • Your freezer is filled with nothing but gosht & naan khushk
  • Your parents can make everything rhyme even if it means inventing words “rahdio mahdio, naan maan, piaz miaz, boot moot, telwizoon malwisoon” 
  • You have aunts/cousins who claim they are turning 21 at every birthday for the last 10 years
  • When your parents want to call your name, they will say everyone of your 1million brothers and sisters and then relatives name before they get to yours.
  • You go shopping with your parents, and see something you want, but they complain about how much everything costs and INSIST that you can get the same thing for a cheaper price at somewhere like Wal-mart. 
  • You get unnatural cravings for dough
  • You wear a T-shirt under a revealing dress at weddings, totally killing the design
  • You kiss 3 times when you greet someone and ask “how are you?” at least a dozen times
  • Your mom and aunts wake up early every weekend and race to garage sales
  • You get house warming gifts and will give them to some other Afghan. This will continue from house to house until it will eventually make it’s way back to you. 
  • You’ve caught re-gifters by looking at the expiration dates on boxes of chocolates 
  • You hear the same songs at ALL weddings/parties etc… 
  • Your parents have heard the same songs back in their day
  • So have your grandparents
  • So will your kids...
  • You're forced to wear your older brothers suits after he's outgrown them 
  • You're forced to buy shoes two sizes larger so they can last 
  • You have falsely claimed to be from Kabul
  • You regularly fit 15 people in a Honda Civic 
  • You purposely mispronounce words when speaking to other Afghans, like 'estop ehsign' etc... 
  • You have 10 towels for decoration in the bathroom but you aren't allowed to use a single one
  • Your parents bring home green unripe bananas and wait for them the ripen
  • All 1,234,567,890 of your uncle's/cousin's/etc. claim to have been engineers/doctors/famous politicians back in Afghanistan
  • You carefully unwrap presents to save the wrapping paper so you can use it to re-gift later 
  • You have more Indian movies than books or magazines in the house
  • Your parents have tried to haggle at malls trying to get a discount
  • Your dad has insulted you by insulting himself
  • You don’t even ask what’s for dinner anymore because you know its leftovers
  • You have been groomed to say no [the first 5 times you are asked] to things that are being offered to you when you're a guest [ex. food etc.] even if you are dying to have it
  • Your parents don’t trust the reception quality of telephones even in this day and age and feel like they have to yell when talking long distance
  • Your fridge is full of pita bread
  • You have a gazillion family members who are real estate agents 
  • You drink tea like water, almost compulsively, every hour of the day 
  • You watch Indian movies like crazy but you hate Indian people
  • You have carpets in every room possible in your house
  • You have threatened to bomb someone's house
  • You had/own an Accord or Civic
  • Your parents buy bread longer than your bed
  • When your parents see another Afghan in the mall they act anything but afghan... in some cases White
  • You can tell precisely which city in Afghanistan someone's from just by looking at their nose [flat nosed > Azara, big nose > Kabul, curved nose Panjshir, etc...] and skin colour
  • You have a weird nose [and if u were spared, most of your family members weren't 
  • You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
  • You are Always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
  • You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.
  • You take Afghan snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
  • You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
  • You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
  • Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.
  • You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
  • You use grocery bags to hold garbage. 
  • You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
  • You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
  • You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
  • You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
  • If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
  • When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
  • It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
  • All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
  • You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
  • Your relatives alone could populate a small city...
  • You BOUGHT your drivers license.
  • You don’t have a job but you drive an SUV, own a house you can’t afford and update your cell phone every month.
  • You’re always right!
  • When the other kids were eating bagels, you ate your pita bread
  • You teach your friends farsi swear words and are proud when they use them.
  • You avoid your relatives when you see them in public places like the mall..
  • You have an endless supply of pistachios...
  • Your parents say you're becoming Americanized anytime you get into trouble...
  • You can spot an Afghan a mile away
  • After a family meal, the women fight to the death over who should wash the dishes while the men sit on their behinds and discuss politics, waiting for their tea...
  • Your parents want you to become a doctor or engineer...
  • Your mother does everything for you if you are male...
  • You do all the housework and cooking if you are female... 
  • You've had a shoe thrown at you by one of your parents...
  • the man at the 99 cent store is your best friend
  • you have old candies in a little glass bowl for guests
  • you rewash plastic cups and plates
  • you reuse napkins
  • your grandmother/mother goes crazy if you use more than 1 paper towel to clean up a spill
  • a roll of paper towels can last minimum a month
  • it is ok if a 40 year old man marries an 18 year old girl
  • you can only give one facebook gift and the gift giving stops there because only the first one is free and past that you would have to pay a dollar 
  • you turn off the faucet in between washing dishes
  • You nodded and smiled (as if you understood exactly what I'm talking about) to more than 80% of these statements

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